Sometimes Letting go is Hard

All to often; I think something that has become all too familiar, is very hard to let go of. There is a certain comfort in the familiar. I find that when I am holding on to some behavior or aspect of the old me, I need to stop and ask myself why. What is it that I am still holding onto and why am I struggling to let go? Is there something that I feel I am getting out of the behavior?

When I visit that thought and am honest with myself, I usually come up with an answer. My entire past; the experiences, feelings and behaviors became my identity. How could they not? It was over 40 years in the making! I think sometimes that I believed and occasionally still believe, that completely separating myself from the old me would leave me invisible. Would anyone see me or pay me any attention?

Realizing that the new me has great significance takes a lot of work on my part. I must remind myself daily that I don’t want to be noticed or remembered as the person I once was but the person I am now. Why would I not want someone to look at me and see a dedicated mother, a fully employed financially independent woman or a kind and compassionate loyal friend? Is that not better than people seeing a black out drunk, a manipulative angry bitch or a person who sits in their shit and feels sorry for themselves on a daily basis?

I must remember; that when I am feeling lonely, sad or anxious, instead of acting out and being irrational in an effort to gain some kind of attention, I can simply reach out and ask for whatever it is I think I need. I can call or text and ask for a chat. I can then express my feelings or concerns and ask for advise. If loneliness seems to be the prominent feeling, I can call someone to grab a cup of coffee or a bite to eat. Well, maybe not right now during this pandemic but prior to and again in the future! Also; in the future, I could go out of the house to a place lively with people such as a bookstore, the park or the gym.

As part of the daily work that changing my thought process requires, I must remember what was not working. When I was the “old me” I was losing friends and family members at a pretty rapid pace. Where as now, I am actually gaining the love, support and trust back from many as well as making new friends. That’s pretty powerful and something to take note of.

What I will say; however, is that it is very challenging. One would think that it should not be with that thought alone. The reality is that the challenge comes from how I was raised to think. I believe that there needs to be a certain level of personal confidence to move about life in a positive and happy space. How can I feel confident in the behaviors I display or the choices I make when I was brought up to believe differently? From as far back as I can remember I was made to believe I could not do anything or do anything right. I was told I would not amount to anything and that all the choices I did make were wrong. As I went through my early adulthood making poor decisions, the feeling of worthlessness only escalated. Again; 40+ years in the making.

Now, I have to work extremely hard; on a daily basis, to combat that belief. It requires me to be very kind to myself and come from a place of understanding. Yes, I made a lot of poor choices and brought on peoples reactions and perceptions of me myself. But why? It originated in my early childhood with the messages delivered by those who were supposed to love and support me. I must remember that those messages were false, no where near the truth. I was not born a worthless being destined to make mistakes. I was born with infinite potential, destined for greatness. Unfortunately that was not fostered. I just need to remind myself each day that I am as worthy of things as everyone else. And by the way, who changed their life and found freedom in sobriety? Me!!! So I am capable of great things. I really hope that if you too are feeling that you are not worthy, you can look at where that may be coming from and move past it. Every single person is worthy and destined for greatness.

I believe that when I am unwilling to completely leave the old me behind, I am not only hindering my ability to be the best version of myself but also doing myself a great injustice. I am the only one who can stand in the way of ultimate peace and happiness. When I allow myself to let an old behavior or reaction slip out, am I gaining anything from it? The answer is, “ABSOLUTELY NOT!” What ends up happening is that I then feel angry and disappointed in myself for allowing it to happen propelling a downward spiral or vicious cycle as it were. So I can save myself time and misery by being more mindful and not allowing that to happen.