That Unsettled Feeling

The quote in the photo could not ring more true for me and I am not sure that I even realized it was a trauma response. Taking a moment to think about it, I can definitely see that it is. I have always been a go go go person but in sobriety, I am usually going 100mph. I find that now; during this time of staying home in isolation, if I’m not moving and being productive, I am feeling quite unsettled. I have had to stop and think about why that is.

I think for me, it definitely is about the trauma. I endured trauma for close to 40 years, so it would be unfair for me to think that in four years I would be over it. Having said that; I believe that my need to stay busy is because when I am idle, I am faced with the thoughts and feelings associated with those traumatic experiences I have not yet worked through. Staying busy really is my way of avoiding it.

Additionally, I know I stay busy to feel a sense of accomplishment and that too comes from trauma. Since I was raised in an atmosphere that led me to believe I was worthless, I placed my worth in being productive. I have come to believe that I am only good enough if I am successful in getting things done. When I take the time to just sit and relax; be it with a book or good tv show, I feel guilty. Looking from the outside, I realize how crazy that is. As a grown woman with kids and grandkids who is also financially independent, I don’t have to explain what I am doing to anyone. I don’t need permission to relax. So why do I always feel guilty?

I believe there are two main reasons that I feel that guilt. The first reason carries a little less weight and is more obvious. My mother made me feel like I was always worthless and it stuck with me. I tried to be productive and successful as a way to gain her love and approval. For that, I need to remind myself that there is no truth in that. I am worth a great deal and her love and support has to come from within her. It isn’t about me and it does not matter what I do or don’t do.

The second reason carries much more weight and is not always apparent to me. When I dig deep down in my heart, I realize that it is fear! Fear of what people will think, especially my children. For so long, they saw me in a dark place where I did not care about anything. I had no goals, no dreams and definitely no motivation to accomplish any thing other than getting wasted. My fear; when I am idle, is that they will think I am not okay or am falling back the the “old me.” I am constantly in a state of “making it up to them.”

I feel like I have the bulk of their lives to make up for. That isn’t really fair to put that on myself. I have admitted my wrongs and profusely apologized. To keep beating myself up is of no benefit to myself or to them. All I can do is continue to be the best version of myself each and every day. I need only to remind myself of the valid accomplishments made in an attempt to be a better person, a better mother. Accomplishments such as sobriety, consistent employment, gaining financial independence and becoming an honest and kinder human being. I am still human; therefore, I require moments of rest, permission to pamper myself and permission to have a wide variety of feelings. I do not need to be happy and positive at all times because that would make me dishonest!

So my message to myself? It is okay to stop or slow down once in awhile. You are allowed to take moments of time here or there to pamper yourself or be still with your thoughts and feelings. You are doing a great job and you are worth all that life has to offer. Be kinder to yourself and ALWAYS remember to come from a place of understanding.