AMAZED AT WHERE I AM

So this past weekend, my youngest of six children turned 16. To any girl; approaching that milestone, it is a big deal. She has three older sisters and has heard of their themed sweet sixteen birthday parties. Needless to say she and her friends were planning out hers. And then the world changed. No longer able to leave the house, she was resolved to spend that milestone alone in her room.

Since she is blessed to have some pretty amazing siblings, that was not to be the case. Her oldest sister lives in the Dayton area and has been quarantined in her apartment, working from home. Her next oldest sister lives in Cincinnati and has also been quarantined in her apartment, working from home. We too have been quarantined in our home as my job is paying me to stay home.

These two amazing daughters planned a little party for her with tons of beautiful decorations, food, games, the whole enchilada! Saturday morning I put her in the car; packed for a few days, and drove down. They surprised her with a very memorable birthday. There was so much laughter and so many smiles. We spent the day at the oldest’s apartment and then all drove to the other daughters for a fun sleepover. The following day was food and fun as well as a beautiful photo shoot for the birthday girl. My second oldest daughter dabbles in photography and is quite good.

We even face timed my fourth daughter and her son as well as my oldest son’s family. It certainly appeared that the birthday girl had a wonderful time even though she could not spend time with her friends. We headed back Tuesday morning and made it home by lunchtime to unpack and get settled in. She even came home to some gifts that her friends had left on the porch for her and that brought her great joy.

This experience reminded me of exactly how far I have come and how hard I have worked to get here! Before my sobriety my children had gotten to a point where they did not even want to be around me. My oldest and youngest seemed to be the most affected. My oldest; a daughter, had witnessed so many traumatic things due to my drinking and drug use and she was angry and done with me. It took her the longest to come around and see that I was no longer the same person. There were long periods of time when she would not speak to me at all. There was a time; in early sobriety, when I believed that she would never come around and speak to me again. I learned that the only control I had was over myself and my actions. I had to continue to work the program and work on myself.

With thanks to God, she eventually came around and started speaking to me and then spending time with me. As weeks and months passed, it continued to get better. There are still times we butt heads and she does not talk with me for a few days. I no longer get upset about it though because I know that as the oldest, she suffered the most. I have to take responsibility for that and allow her as much time as she needs to heal fully. I have learned to step away and let her have the time she needs to calm down and sort through it. It is definitely times like this past weekend that give me hope and remind me that her and I are on the right path.

My youngest had a hard time as well. She was much younger but with her I believe it was a lot of fear. She has a degenerative disease and has always had a lot of needs. At the height of my addiction I was very neglectful of her and I am sure she was scared. Scared that something would happen to me and scared that something would happen to her and I would not be there to care for her. I live with a lot of regret over that. My beautiful baby and I did not provide her security.

The blessing is that because she was younger, I got sober while she was a preteen. While she was becoming a teenager and growing into her own, I was proudly sober and able to be there for her. I am able to support her, encourage her and listen. My God, listening is so important! We have grown together, both individually and as mother and daughter. My heart absolutely sings when she often says, “I’m so lucky to have you as a mom because you are so organized and on top of things.” How blessed am I to hear such sweet words from my child? I often do not feel that I deserve such kindness but then I remind myself that indeed I do. She is speaking to who I am now, not who I once was. Who I am now is pretty awesome.

Because of my sobriety I am able to show up every day! I am always present at my job, to my family and friends as well as everything I do. With a clear mind I am able to make good decisions and show those around me that I am no longer that unreliable, dishonest and distant person I once was. I can listen when needed, offer advise when asked and show up when someone needs me for something. There was a time when I did not want to leave my house and I always had an excuse why I could not show up. No one could count on me and if I did show up or answer the phone, I was angry and often nasty. That is no longer me. I get excited now when someone needs me and I am jumping to help. Those times remind me that I am seen differently and that my relationships are mending.

So funny story. The last couple of years of my addiction were very isolating. That was partly my doing as I withdrew more and more each day but also those in my life were choosing to separate themselves from me to protect themselves and their hearts. It was very lonely. Fast forward to about a year and a half into sobriety. I have six children, my mom and my brother as well as some great friends and my job. In the course of a day; I work 10 hours, have a home to tend to as well as two children living here and I can count on at least four of the six kids to call me. My challenge now; in sobriety, has become balancing such a busy life with everyone’s needs! Sometimes I will catch myself picking up that third, fourth or fifth phone call with frustration. I have to remind myself that the person on the other end does not know how many calls I had prior! You see; as is human nature, my children all think they are my number one priority and forget they each have five siblings. Could I be more blessed to have this be my daily challenge? It’s all I ever wanted. I dreamed of and prayed for the day that all my kids would love me and want to talk to me or need my help with something and now my dreams and prayers have come true. It has been a crazy busy life the last year and a half!

I still can not believe I am coming up on my three year anniversary of sobriety! I would have to say that the first year and a half was rough. That was the period of time that I had to not only work hard on myself but I had to painfully wait for those I love to come around and see that I had changed and that I was serious about completely changing my life. There were many tears on my part as I often wondered if they would come back into my life. Sometimes I would be in an AA meeting and hear other women speak about how long they had been sober and yet their children still were not speaking to them. It was very discouraging and sometimes I thought to myself, “why am I even bothering?” What I had to realize was that my reason to keep at it could not be for anyone else other than myself and that I had to trust in my higher power that it would all work out one day. I was not to know when that day would be. I was to be patient and continue my journey through sobriety and learning to love and forgive myself. And for me, I was blessed to see my hard work produce gifts. One by one my children came back into my life and allowed me to be a part of theirs. One by one each relationship mended and new, more meaningful relationships developed. It could have turned out differently. Any one or more children could have chosen to not forgive me and I would have had to make peace with that because ultimately it was all on me that the relationships disintegrated in the first place. I can only be grateful that it did not happen that way nor did it take as long as I know it has for some other mothers in recovery.

What is so exciting is the thought of the future! If the first three years have been this great, I can not even imagine what the next many will be like. I get to watch all of my children build amazing lives of their own. I get to watch my three grandsons (and maybe more) grow up. How exciting to think that I have an entire second half of my life to make all my dreams come true? What also brings me great joy and excitement is knowing that I no longer have to live in chaos, isolation, or despair any longer. That was a miserable existence which became a rolling snowball gaining momentum down a steep hill headed straight for a huge tree! The worse I felt the more my addiction grew and the more my addiction grew the worse I felt. I was on a hamster wheel going no where really and if I continued to run that fast and hard the only resolution was going to be death.

I can still distinctly remember the weeks and months just prior to sobriety and it was pretty bad. I had gotten to the point where I had to have a drink upon waking or I would shake and feel like absolute shit. I was drinking mimosas on my way to work and my rationale was that there was orange juice in it and every one drinks orange juice for breakfast. I would have an extra one in a travel mug that I would leave in my car for lunchtime. And I counted down the hours at work until I could leave so that I could go home and start drinking for real. I still can not believe that I did not lose my job due to my drinking. I actually got sober while at that job and was there about another year before moving to my current job. I remember one day when I went in to see my doctor for a regular check up and she basically told me she was waiting for me to die. She stated that she did not know if it would be intentional or accidental but it was definitely going to happen. That was right about the time I was beginning to think to myself that I could not stand to live like that any longer. I honestly had to decide what I wanted more, life or death. I am so glad that I chose life! Just looking back over the last three years, I would have missed so much! I would have missed this past weekend with my three girls, the laughter and pure joy of being together to celebrate my baby’s sixteenth birthday. And my God, how horribly selfish would that have been to leave her to celebrate without me? To leave her alone on her sixteenth birthday wondering why. Why did her mother choose addiction over her? Thankful beyond words that that was not a chapter in her story. I have come a long way but I have so much further to go!