WEEKENDS

What an absolute glorious morning so far! The sun is shining and the temperature is finally high enough to crack some windows open. I awoke early enough to enjoy much quiet time and get a few things accomplished. Sitting at my desk with music playing softly in the background as the birds chirp near the window. I took a deep breathe and just felt this huge wave of gratitude come over me which brought a smile to my face.

Often times; on the weekend, I feel as if I must set out to accomplish numerous things and not waste a moment of my time. Today I am reminding myself that resting is indeed a part of recovery. It could be recovery from much physical work or perhaps recovery for the mind having to navigate through stressful times. It does not matter much what the reason is, the fact is that we all need to pause in rest for our recovery. The tasks will be there after we rest, there is really no deadline. We have; however, only one life. We must be kind and gentle with ourselves.

Before sobriety, I never had moments like this where I could feel my heart fill with joy over such simple things. Never in my addiction could I simply hear birds chirping, smell fresh air or have the sun warm my face and feel pure joy. How sad to have not experienced such things for so long. I always thought that it was the “grand” things that would bring me happiness……..nothing ever did. I always felt the gaping hole in my heart but never understood why. Not until sobriety that is.

Over the last three years; of sobriety, I found the answer as to why I had such an empty unhappy feeling within myself. The answer was ME!!! It was my thinking that was at the root of it. I believed that happiness came from outside of myself and I was constantly trying to find it. I looked for it from other people, from some event that was to happen or from “things.” If I had a better car or new clothes or some other item then I would be happy. If “so and so” called me then I would be happy. If I would be invited somewhere then I would be happy. I really could not understand what when any of that was achieved I still felt empty and unhappy.

What I found was that although any or all of those things can bring moments of joy, they can not make me happy if at my core I do not love myself. During this journey of recovery, I have had to get really honest with myself about a lot of things and let me tell you that it has been tough. I had to look deep within myself and figure out why I did not love myself and that was pretty challenging. It took me a while to find the answers and a lot of tears were shed as I walked that road. I found that a lot of the reasons were not true facts but messages about myself instilled by others during my childhood. Sorting through fact and fiction was like when your necklace chain is severely tangled and you spend hours trying to figure out how to undo all the twists and knots. It can be both frustrating and exhausting, often leading you to just want to give up. But you don’t because you really really want it.

I had to take a great deal of time with a lot of patience to get through it. My lack of love for myself came from the original belief that I was worthless, couldn’t do anything right, was unlovable and deserving of the abuse I endured. Throughout my school years, I was also made fun of and picked on because I was essentially poor and had very little. That in turn added to the way I felt about myself. I had to realize that those messages were not the truth. I am worth a great deal and have accomplished many things. When I went back to college, I finished top of my class and spoke at our commencement. When I went back to work four years ago, I moved quickly to the top showing myself that I was indeed good at what I do. My complete financial independence has been a huge accomplishment and has made me feel so good about myself. I have shown myself over these last years that I can do anything I put my mind to. Most importantly I have shown myself that I am not the same person I once was and to preserve the new me, I must take time to rest. In those restful moments I am not being lazy or unproductive, I am taking care of myself and fostering my recovery!