LEARNING SELF LOVE

I have to say, it is bad enough when others speak unkindly to us but I have found that it is even worse when we speak unkindly to ourselves. This is something that I am definitely still working on daily. I have a really bad habit of coming down hard on myself. I am very critical of myself and have unrealistic expectations all too often. For some reason I have it in my mind that I am supposed to be Wonder Woman and do more than is humanly possible each day.

When I am sitting still I often feel quite guilty and have this crazy belief that I must be accomplishing something at all times. When I am exhausted at six or seven o’clock in the evening, I usually find that I am angry or disappointed in myself for not having the energy to keep going and accomplishing more. I have been known to call myself stupid or lazy and that is definitely not showing myself kindness. I have to stop and rephrase things to myself. I am not lazy but tired and need a rest. After all, I am over 50 now and lets be honest, the body does not work the same as it did at 20 or 30! I also work a lot of hours and that takes a lot of my energy. I am not stupid. I just don’t know everything and have the opportunity to learn.

I think it is really important that when we speak to ourselves negatively, we question wether or not we would say that same thing to someone we cared very much about. 99.999% I know I would not! I believe that those of us who have been raised in a negative atmosphere are more inclined to speak in this manner to ourselves. We have to work a little harder to find another way. For me, I have found that thinking about my youngest daughter is extremely helpful. When I get angry at myself over something or call myself something derogatory, I pause and think to myself “ how would she feel if I said that to her?” I would never want my daughter to feel that I am angry with her or disappointed. I would not want her to feel that I believe she is anything less than amazing. I have to take that thought process and apply it to myself. I also do not want to show her a poor example of how we are to think of or treat ourselves. Children are a product of their environment and watch and learn from what we do. If I am positive in my thoughts, happy at heart and kind to myself and others, then that is what she will see and emulate.

Sobriety has given me a gift. A chance to show my youngest child something different. Sadly, her older siblings had an entirely different experience….. a different role model. What they saw; their reference, was a mother who was miserable and took every opportunity to harm herself with horrible self talk and dangerous behaviors. The example I set was that the way to solve a problem was to get drunk or high, the way to get what you wanted was to be less than honest and to be manipulative. They saw someone who was judgmental and unkind to others. I see now what that has done to my children.

I am extremely blessed and grateful that none of them followed the path into addiction and they are all intelligent, self supporting, productive and generally kind humans. Unfortunately they have all; in their own ways, acquired some sort of trauma response to their upbringing. It has manifested in anxiety for some, lack of trust in some, depression or bouts of anger for others. I spend a great deal of time in conversation with them individually to try and assist them in working through those issues. Two of them have gone into therapy which I think is wonderful. I am hoping that the example I show them now on a daily basis will allow them to see that there is another way to do life.

So with my youngest I am doing parenting an entirely different way. I am always mindful of my mood around her and when I am having a rough day, I take the time to explain it to her. I do want her to know that we can not be happy 100% of the time and that all feelings are normal and acceptable. I try to teach her that the feelings are okay, it is how we react to them that matters. Are we taking a bad day out on someone else? Are we making poor decisions due to a difficult feeling? I have bought for her many tools that I find helpful such as journaling items or fun crafts to do in times of conflict. She is open to such items and I have found her using them. That definitely makes me feel good. She has some anxiety and some struggles due to her early childhood; I believe, but my sobriety came early enough in her life to help her work through those things. She has a wonderful therapist as well. What I have seen in her over the last 3-4 years is nothing short of amazing.

This beautiful girl has blossomed into a pretty amazing teenager. She has numerous friends, wonderful grades, participates in several activities and has such a kind heart. Last week she was missing her friends and knew they were all struggling with the current situation of isolation so she came up with an idea. She took the time to bake cupcakes and packaged them up for her four best friends and I drove her to each house to drop them off. Her friends did not know and were all so surprised and happy to see her. She had to hand them the package and stand six feet away to chat for a few minutes but the joy she brought to her friends just made my heart sing. I was so proud of her. She is pretty open with me regarding her feelings and we talk a lot. Sometimes I need to just listen, sometimes I need to offer advice and other times I need to direct her in what to do. It is important that I let her decide which of those responses she needs from me. I want her to feel that she can come to me without judgement or a lecture and I want her to feel confident in her own thoughts or choices and to know that I respect those things in her.

The best thing I can do as a parent for ALL my children is to set an example of how one should treat themselves and others. The more loving I am to myself and others, the more they will be. The more time I take for self care and doing the things I enjoy, the more inclined they will be to try it for themselves. The more that I show them positive ways to deal with negative feelings the better the chance that they too will learn to do the same. So my message to myself today is, “Diane, you are kind, loving, smart and will accomplish today what is important allowing yourself moments of rest.”