FIRST WEEK BACK TO WORK

After being off work for six weeks due to COVID19, I just finished my first week back to work and boy am I exhausted! I briefly forgot the challenge in balancing both my work and home life. I awoke early this Saturday morning to dishes, a mound of laundry, much vacuuming to do as well as phone calls to return or make and numerous other chores. I must say that I am feeling a bit overwhelmed and a tad discouraged. I want to accomplish it all and be a master of the balancing act. Truth be told, I’m human and not a 20 year old anymore so I have to allow myself to slow down and be imperfect.

Three years into sobriety and I still find myself chasing perfection even with the knowledge that it does not exist. I still find myself challenged by the need to prove myself to those in my life who saw me at my worst, incapable of simple tasks. I continue to struggle with the reality that I can not achieve all that I want in the unrealistic time frames I try to place on myself. Often times I find myself so frustrated at the end of the day when I fall short on what I had set out to do. I have this distorted belief that everyone around me is “accomplishing it all.”

It is so difficult for me to relax and be kind to myself. I am by far my biggest critic which sucks because I can not seem to get away from myself. I mean, if someone else was the critic I just wouldn’t spend so much time with them but since it’s me that is kind of hard! Why do we do that to ourselves? I mean; honestly, what is the benefit? Sometimes, I believe that this thought process can be of slight benefit because it does keep me motivated and does not allow be to become complacent. Having said that, I need to know or find the line between keeping myself motivated and being unrealistic with myself. When I have a great deal more on my plate, that is when I need to slow down and take a step back to evaluate what really needs to be accomplished and what can wait.

This first week back to work, I still managed to make dinner every night and spend time with my children as well as checking in with my mother and taking care of the most essential chores. That’s a pretty great thing to have done so I should be proud of myself, not hard on myself. Today I am balancing my time between the chores and taking time for myself like sitting down to write! Good for me! I guess I wonder if others feel the same way I do about wanting so much to accomplish all their goals. Do others struggle as I do with being kind to themselves and taking steps back to just breathe? I wonder; when I look at those I admire most, if they too are faced with these same thoughts or challenges. I probably should ask!

It probably is just magnified in someone like myself that has come through such a dark place. I think it is so incredibly important to me that others do not see the person I once was, so I push myself a little harder than most. I have to say that there is rarely a day that goes by that I don’t think about something I did during my addiction. I hope that as time goes by and I achieve 5, 10, 20, 40 years of sobriety, I will think less and less about the dark times. I know I will never forget and honestly I don’t want to because it keeps me sober and reminds me how far I have come. I would just like to get to a place where it is not an everyday occurrence because I feel that it makes it harder for me to be kinder to myself.

Looking back; in my active addiction, I was never able to follow through with anything. Today; three years sober, I am able to accomplish what I start and that is so important to me. I never had a clear mind before and honestly, I don’t think I even knew what I wanted or what the hell I was doing then. The plans I had in addiction and the things I had set out to do were always for the wrong reasons or with really screwed up intentions. At the time; of course, I believed that I knew what I was doing and I was always right. Wow, that was some bullshit. No honest thought went into anything I did. I never even considered how my choices would affect the people in my life and at the time, I probably didn’t care. Everything was about me. I always thought that what ever screwed up thing I was doing, I was going to find happiness. Well that never happened! I usually ended up more miserable because I either didn’t follow through or pissed off the people around me.

I am able now to stop and put thought into what it is I want or want to accomplish. I am able to consider how it will affect others and wether or not it is a good decision for myself and my family. I can now be honest enough to ask others for their advice or opinion. I don’t always take it but I hear it and consider it. Since I am able to do these things, I am able to follow through and to feel good about what it is I am doing. That brings me peace and happiness. The knowledge that I did right, made a good decision, set out a plan and followed through brings to me an overwhelming feeling of self love. That is something I had never before experienced in my childhood or in my active addiction. It’s a very beautiful and humbling experience that I hold tight to and it propels the next right choice.

I need to put down into words the childlike wonder I experience each and every day! Having lived the life I did and having experienced the worst you can imagine a human enduring, you can imagine that I am having a lost of “first time” experiences at 51 years old! I am very aware of the fact that I am often times childlike. Not at a level of immaturity but in a sense of wonderment. I remember a year ago, I went to the movies with a friend and was definitely having a 5 year old moment. First of all, it was the first time going to the movies with someone who was not my child and then to walk into a theater with these reclining seats and all, my mind was blown. Someone else would have had a completely different experience but for me, I felt such gratitude to be there and just wanted to soak in every moment. When I walk into work, I often hear the chatter from coworkers complaining about this or that but for me I walk in and think to myself, “my God I am so blessed to have this amazing job that I am good at, which provides me with financial security.” I never thought I would be so successfully employed. When I look around my home, I am so grateful and excited for each and everything I possess because in childhood and in active addiction, I possessed nothing. To make it even better, I know that I successfully worked to acquire each item. When I see a sun set or rise, I am in awe at God’s wonder because never before was I clear minded or at peace enough to appreciate such beauty. When my alarm goes off in the morning for work, I am not angry that I have to get up. I hear all the birds chirping outside of my window and I smile. I smile because I have been given another day. Another day to be the best me I can be and to potentially make a difference in another’s life! How awesome is that?

I attended a virtual AA meeting last night and the gentleman said something that rang so true for me! He said, “ if you are committed to true sobriety, you will change everything about yourself except your last name.” Oh my God, that is so true!!! When I look at myself now versus the person I was three years ago, my last name is about the only thing that is the same. I had to commit to complete change. I don’t know where I got the strength and courage to do it but I thank God everyday that I did. Had I held on to any part of the old me, I would not have the amazing life I have now. Sometimes I just want to yell at the top of my lungs, “ I LOVE MY LIFE!” My staying sober is most days easy because I fear losing what I have so much that I don’t often think about drinking or using drugs again. I said most days because I would be less than honest if I didn’t admit to the occasional thought when things are at their most difficult or I am most filled with fear. I have had some days over the last three years when my emotional pain led me to entertain the thought of picking up in an attempt to relieve that pain. What I have been fortunate enough to learn in Alcoholics Anonymous is to stop and play that tape all the way until the end. What would it look like? Well, one drink would lead to a second then a third and then a black out. That in turn would lead to the people I love the most losing respect and or trust in me. That; then, would lead me to feelings of regret and sadness which would lead me to pick up a second time and then the cycle begins and I would then find myself once again alone and facing a life or death decision. So why put myself through that would be the question I have to ask myself. So I don’t pick up and instead when I am done playing the tape, I look for a healthy way to alleviate the emotional pain. So far…..SUCCESS!

Full disclosure here. If I am being completely honest, then I have to admit to the occasional moments when I miss using drugs and alcohol because in a very distorted false way, it made me feel like I was someone….. like I was important. Now; as an educated, sober grown woman, I realize that that is the most twisted thought one could have. Still, it is occasionally there in the back of my mind. As time goes by it is more and more distant but occasionally pops up. There was; at times, a feeling of excitement when doing something so dangerous. I remember when I made the decision to try Heroin. The attraction came from the knowledge that it was the worst drug I could do. The problem was my being naive to the fact that it was instantly addicting. My completely screwed up way of thinking led me down a path I never thought I would go down and turned me into a person I never thought I would be. That drug grabs hold of you, of your soul and has no intention of releasing its grip. It will have you do things you would never ever imagine yourself doing and turns you into the lowest form of a human-being imaginable. I became that person that up until then I had prided myself on not being. At the time I had no clear thought process about any of it but once in sobriety I realized that the people I had judged as being the lowest of low; heroin addicts, I had become. To this day I still haven’t completely forgiven myself or made peace with that time in my life. I have; however, learned not to judge others!!!

That has to be one of the most regrettable decisions I ever made! As far as I know, very few people are aware that I was using or addicted to heroin. I say as far as I know because I have yet to gain the courage to ask. I am so ashamed that I struggle to allow that fact to be a part of my story. I know that the people in my life are aware of my alcoholism and the fact that I had a problem with things like marijuana or pills but I don’t really know how many of them know of my heroin addiction. I have shared it with my AA sponsor, my amazing therapist and my physician as part of my recovery. To this day I have no idea how the hell I was able to stop using. I do; however, remember the days that I went through withdrawal. Those days flood my memory with the deepest kind of regret. My third oldest child had been accepted to grad school in Chicago and had to go up and find an apartment. I was to go with her by way of the Megabus. That morning I knew I had absolutely no way to get any heroin to take with me yet something deep within me compelled me to go with her anyways. In my entire life, I have never been so sick. I honestly just wanted to die. We found a Walgreens across the street from our hotel and I bought of ton of medication to control the pain, vomiting and diarrhea. I couldn’t eat and barely kept fluids down. I laid in the hotel bed wishing for death and telling her I must have had the flu. Somehow; by the Grace of God, I managed to go see every apartment with her and chose one. It is beyond comprehension how the hell I did it or survived it and when we returned a few days later, I crawled in bed for another week. Being in that situation with her during such an important time in her life will always haunt me and fill me with deep regret. That is definitely one of the top moments in my life I wish I could go back and change.

So that decision didn’t make me important in any way shape or form. What it made me was an unconscionable human being and that I must remember when I; on rare occasion, think there is something that I am missing. I am important because I am an honest sober woman, a good mother, employee and friend. I am important because I am me and there doesn’t need to be anything else to that. Hopefully one day I will be able to add that to my story and forgive myself by coming from a place of understanding. Understanding that everything I did along the way before sobriety was because of the trauma, pain and lack of love and support I was raised with. I will get there, I know I will.