Ding, Ding, Ding, Lightbulb

Yesterday I questioned where my fears and anxiety were coming from regarding making a career change. It took several hours and two very different conversations before the light bulb finally went off. One may say that I am a little slow when it comes to the obvious.

In the late afternoon, my mother made an unexpected visit. My insides all knotted up already led me to believe that my brother had told her I left my job, and I knew how the conversation was going to go. Was I wrong? Hell no! She made idle chit chat for about thirty minutes before saying, “So do you have a job or what?” As I proceeded to explain the interviews and career path I was gearing towards, she proceeded to throw out all the negativity she could and send a blaring message that I had no idea what I was doing.

I spoke to my middle daughter via video chat about an hour later. She lives in Maine, I in Ohio so video is always nice. I told her everything going on with my choice to make a career change and she was so excited and supportive that my little fire inside started to ignite again. She told me that what I was thinking of doing was so perfect for me and how amazing I would be at it. We had a wonderful conversation and it affirmed that she is definitely one of my biggest cheerleaders.

Needless to say, I spent the late evening thinking about these two very different conversations and how they affected me. I thought about how I always avoid sharing anything with my mother because I know how it is going to make me feel. I know that I am always in a no-win situation because when I put off conversations, she already knows about she’s going to be angry but when I tell her she reacts in a way that crushes my spirit. I have tried to explain that to her, but it is the equivalent of explaining it to my little dog. You know how they look at you and just turn their head side to side in confusion? Yep, it’s exactly like that! I have been unable to figure out how navigate this. The only clear answer is to remove her from my life but with her being 75 and my working to understand why she is the way she is; I haven’t felt that that is something I am willing to do.

I think for now, what is the best for me is to remind myself that the things she says have no validity and that I need to put absolutely zero stock into those statements. I need to only take stock in the conversations with those that support me and lift me up.

I must say that an absolute positive that comes out of these negative interactions is a clear idea of what I do not want when it comes to the interactions and conversations between my children and myself. It’s kind of comical how when one of my children and I are talking, I have this little voice in the back yelling, “Don’t be your mother!” “Don’t say that!” That voice pauses me and gives me the few seconds I need to make a statement or react in a more positive or supportive way. Does it ALWAYS work? No! Not always because at the end of the day I am a flawed human who has decades of negative messages that need sorted through and disputed. The good news is that how I interacted and reacted six years ago versus now, I believe is dramatically improved and that makes me feel good.