If I Had Been Parented

Today is a blaring reminder of how not having been parented still affects me all these years later. I had another job interview this morning and they offered me the job. That should be exciting, right? For me, it is confusing and challenging and really scary. I now have two offers and am waiting to hear back from the third. I’m longing for someone to guide me and support me but realizing that that is going to have to come from within. My stomach is in knots, turned inside out and I’m terrified of making the wrong decision.

My entire life I have had to count on myself and everything I know or learned, I had to go find myself. When my father left and my mother had to go back to work, I was six years old. Ever since then I have been on my own. My mother worked all day and when she got home was tired and completely unavailable. I had to figure out all my homework on my own, get myself to and from school, cook and clean and bury all my thoughts, feelings, fears and dreams. I didn’t have anyone to teach me anything or to encourage me or be my cheerleader. I realize that all these years later, in my early fifties, there are still so many things I don’t know. I often feel stupid because of it.

I have absolutely no idea how I managed to raise six kids that are successful. I had no reference whatsoever and honestly most of what I did was deliberately the opposite of what I experienced. I was by far not a good mother, mostly due to my own trauma and then my addiction but I tried my absolute best. I tried to help with homework, make sure they were in activities, show up to all those activities, encourage and provide a way for them to go to college and try to encourage their dreams. I know that I have been a good mother the last five years since getting sober and I am very close with all of them. I must have done a halfway decent job based on the incredible humans they each turned out to be. I even raised a doctor! My third born has a doctorate in psychology and I am extremely proud.

I’m sitting here trying to think what I would say to one of my children if they were in the exact same situation, I find myself in today. About a year ago my daughter was applying for jobs all over the country and trying to make a decision. I remember telling her to follow her instincts, that there were many things to consider. I wanted her to think about financial security, location, what the work entailed, the vibe she got from those she interviewed with, and how her heart felt when she placed herself in each potential workplace. She ended up choosing the offer in Maine, the farthest option from home but it was the one that resonated in her heart. I remember also telling her that nothing is permanent, and she could always make a change down the road.

Why is it then, that this is so hard for me? Why am I so terrified of making the wrong choice? Maybe because I have a different parent and parental reaction then her? Maybe because I have people who depend on me, and she is single and only responsible for her two pets? Maybe because I have made so many mistakes in my life that I can’t bear to make another. I don’t want to fail myself or my children with a wrong decision. I’m afraid of letting my kids down. I made so many mistakes while they were growing up and I don’t feel that I was someone they could be proud of but now I feel like they are proud of me and all I have done these last 5-6 years. I don’t want to lose that.

Being a parent is an awesome responsibility and sometimes I don’t think people realize that. The things we say, do and model to our children as they are growing up have a lasting impact on their lives. Think about that newborn baby that is born without fear or anxiety and all the potential in the world. How does that baby learn to fear? Did he or she feel safe and secure? Were his or her needs met? Why does he or she stop dreaming? Was he or she encouraged or told that the things they dreamt of were silly or unobtainable? Did we as parents model how to handle hard situations or difficult feelings? I know for me, how I was “not” parented had a direct effect on me. I was never encouraged to do anything, I wasn’t allowed to express my feelings, my mistakes were always quickly pointed out and I learned the only person I could count on was myself.

Sadly, on days like today I feel more like a little girl than a grown woman and my instinct is to curl up and hide from the world. It will take courage and determination to stray away from that desire and handle this situation like an adult. I am going to have to force myself to feel all these difficult feelings, sit with them for a little bit and then pull up my big girl panties and make a decision. What’s the worst that can happen? I always tell my kids that things will work out and I will always be there to help. So, Diane, things will work out and you have some people to reach out to. Do not be afraid, you got this!