The Struggle

It has been a struggle these last few days. Emotions all over the place, insides all swirling around, anxiety reaching for the sky. I’m struggling to understand where all this crazy is coming from and that frustrates the hell out of me. My sleep is off, and I am having to use meditation apps on my phone to even fall asleep. My dreams are crazy and even waking me up during the night. I have definitely lost my appetite which is always a big indicator that something is wrong. Back-to-back sessions with my therapist which hasn’t happened in quite a while.

Today, I woke up and forced myself to shower, dress and take the time to do my hair and makeup. Fake it until you make it, right? If I look it, I’ll feel it….. Well, that’s my hope! Additionally, I am playing the most motivating music on my play list I could find. Is it helping? Not yet! I’ll have to reevaluate that at the end of the day and get back to you. I can say that in the moments I am busy doing something I do feel less hopeless and lost. The problem is that I can’t go 100mph all day and in the quiet, slowed moments I don’t know how to survive the overwhelming feelings. Lord, it sucks!

In the first days of my decision to change careers and follow my heart, I was so confident and so on fire. Then, all of a sudden, it was like I ran at full speed into a solid brick wall! Bam! Damn that hurt. I don’t even know where the hell that wall came from. Who put it there? Did I do it? I don’t believe it was me. Maybe I did. I got scared for sure and started doubting myself and my decision. I began to look back at all the mistakes I had ever made and how those mistakes affected my life and the lives of those I cared deeply about. Was I making another mistake? I found myself just wanting to undo it and go back to what was comfortable and familiar even if I was unhappy. In my discomfort, I at least knew that what I was doing had those in my life feeling proud of me. I was taking care of my home and my kids with the financial stability that I had worked so hard for. Now it appeared that that could possibly waiver for a while and the questions being directed towards me were making me feel I had done something wrong.

In my uncertainty I began to unravel. My fear and anxiety began to overwhelm me and not having been taught how to sit in and then work through feelings, I began to spiral into a paralyzed state. I’m unsure how to move through it so I find myself burrowing deep within it. That scares me. I have been there and done that before. It has never worked out well for me. I know that I need to do something different but I’m not sure what. My therapist would tell me, “Yes you do” and that, of course would make me mad. Whenever she says that I think to myself, “if I knew, wouldn’t I do it?” I’m pretty sure I drive her crazy sometimes. It’s a miracle that 8+ years later, she still puts up with me! Thank God she does or I would be a train destined for derailment!

I definitely know that one of my biggest roadblocks is when I don’t feel purposeful. When I am productive and accomplishing things, I feel the biggest sense of belonging and I have a sense of peace. I absolutely do not do well with idle time. I grew up always striving to accomplish and show that I was indeed useful, worth something. I guess that carried through my life because I still feel that way. I still feel that somehow if I am not being productive, I am less than. I don’t know how to relax or just sit and be. I know that throughout my life when I felt the most out of control or upset and full of emotions, I would throw myself into projects. My house would always be the cleanest and most organized when I was feeling bad. I guess that wasn’t the worst way to handle emotions! There are far worse things one can do than cleaning.

I think another roadblock for me is when I feel trapped or like the walls are closing in on me. Even now, all these years later, I find that having six children leaves very little breathing room. Sure, four of them have moved out on their own but they still seemed to need my time and attention often, some more than others. The youngest two still live with me and then there are the three little grandsons. In any given day, I will hear from at least two of them and sometimes four or five of them. When the youngest two are home, I always feel a need to be present and additionally often find that the availability for privacy is nil. Sometimes I have moments where I long to just be alone and then I feel selfish for having had that thought. I guess I still find myself trying to prove to them that I am okay and that they do not have worry about me going back to the person I was when I was in addiction. I feel that if they see me with emotion, they will worry or if they see me just lying on the couch watching tv or reading, they will worry about my mental health. Maybe it’s an irrational fear I have but I worked so hard to become the present sober mother they needed and deserved that I am in constant fear.

Maybe for today, I will try extra hard to be kind to myself and cut myself a little slack. I am worth taking a day to myself to feel, to rest my heart and soul and to do whatever it is I think I need to bounce back. Tomorrow is another day and no matter how I feel, I will surely feel different than today. Maybe better, maybe worse. Do I really want my kids to never see me sad or with emotions? What does that teach them? How will they learn to sit with their own emotions if I don’t allow them to see me sit with mine?