Momentarily Lost

Time goes so fast sometimes and other times painfully slow. I haven’t written in forever and have found myself caught up in the daily grind and forgetting about myself and my needs. Today I had a long-needed conversation with my amazing therapist despite her still being in Denmark. It’s so difficult for us to connect sometimes because of the distance so when we finally manage it, I am beyond grateful. Sometimes I think that I try to see how long I can go between sessions because I think subconsciously that I will be weak or somehow failing if I see her too often. I need to remind myself that that is ridiculous, and I deserve to seek out what will allow me to thrive! After all, I wouldn’t have the amazing life I have if it wasn’t for her!
It’s funny how she can always get me to see what it is that I think I don’t know. My life has been going so well yet my anxiety has been quite high lately and I was sure I didn’t know why. It was maybe 30 minutes in and I started to make sense of it all. I guess sometimes having someone you trust inexplicably to bounce all of your thoughts and ideas off of can make all the difference. So I realized that my anxieties are increasing because my life is so good! Who would have thought. I realized that with things going so well and no major crisis happening, I have quite a bit of idle time and that is uncomfortable for me. It allows all the thoughts, feelings and fears that I have avoided to come to the surface and there isn’t any major dilemma there to serve as a shield. Now I have to address those things and that produces the anxiety.
We started with the first issue today and it was terrifying yet freeing all at the same time. I admitted to her that my eating disorder has returned and progressively gotten worse. I’m not quite sure why it has come back but it frightens me. When I developed my eating disorder as a teenager, it was a way for me to have control over a horrific childhood that was so out of my control and that reasoning continued over decades. When I got sober six years ago I worked past my issues with food but the last three months those issues have returned and my thoughts have begun to consume me. I’ve begun restricting my eating and often skip most meals. I think about it constantly and yet I know how unhealthy it is. The question of course is “why?” Why now? I’m trying to figure out what it is I am gaining from this behavior and honest to God, I’m drawing a blank.

One thing I believe to be true is that I have a fear and quite a bit of uncomfortableness about getting older. I can’t control my hair thinning or the wrinkles or the aches and pains, but I can control the size of my body. Sounds ridiculous I know but, in all honesty, I have always been rather vain and how I look matters to me, maybe more than it should. I believe however that there is more to it than just that and I need to figure it out. I don’t want to create an issue or crisis when there doesn’t need to be one. That sometimes can be the path I take when things are going too well. I spent the majority of my life in crisis and, so when things are going well, I have great difficulty functioning. It’s kind of like trying to swim on dry land.

I have had to claw my way out of crisis after crisis my entire life and honestly that is all I have known. These last six years in sobriety I have overcome so many huge battles and worked so hard to put in place elements of normalcy or at least things that I believed to be a part of “normal” people’s lives. I took huge issues and learned how to solve them. I built financial and job security. I was able to own my own home and a newer reliable vehicle. I paid off all the debt from a bad marriage and a lifetime of poor decisions. I repaired relationships and even began to build new ones. I got sober and eventually even quit smoking. I adapted healthy habits for my body’s wellbeing and sought out the best therapist for my mental health. There are honestly times that I look at where I was and where I am now, and I am mystified. How can a person change so much? Did this really happen? Sometimes I feel like I was a run down, dilapidated shack and now I am a glorious mansion with beautiful chandeliers. Other times I wonder or worry, did the shack just get painted a bright color but underneath that paint is still the rundown shack?

I think I struggle with the acceptance of my new self because honestly, with the exception of the occasional sessions with my therapist, I don’t have anyone who points out all that I have done. I find is hard to take my own word for it! I don’t fully trust myself yet and without the acknowledgement from another, I often doubt how far I have come. Trusting myself is definitely something that I am always working on. I hope that one day I will finally believe in myself and know my worth.