MY TIME

Ending todays Skype session with my therapist reminded me that it is now time for me. I spent the last ten years in therapy and six years in recovery working on the external. I worked hard on my sobriety and changing my behaviors and alcoholic thinking. I worked on finding a career and becoming financially stable and independent. I work on repairing and rebuilding my relationships with my six beautiful children. Life has been pretty darn good with one big exception….. ME!!!

I have been struggling with anxiety, nightmares, sleepless nights and intrusive thoughts. I have noticed how hardened I am and how unapproachable I appear to others. I am always in fight mode and have walls up so high around me yet wonder why I feel so lonely all the time. I have had a few therapy sessions to figure out that I have never actually dealt with any of my trauma and keeping it buried like dirty secrets is not serving me. It is time to delve in and tackle each trauma and the emotions and beliefs that come with each one.

Several weeks ago, there was an incident at work that sparked a flashback and full body reaction to a previous trauma. That incident seems to have brought all this to the surface and was the catalyst for me to approach my therapist about doing some trauma therapy. I have never been in the emotional space or had the right tools to properly deal with the traumatic events that happened to me throughout my life. I firmly believe that I am healthy enough and far enough along in my sobriety to finally do this work and begin the healing.

I want people to see me as a warm and compassionate person because that is how my heart feels but I appear an angry and unsympathetic person all too often. It is incredibly difficult for me to let my guard down and be vulnerable with people. I often think that if I am open and vulnerable with others; they will see that as weakness and something bad will happen to me. I always feel this need to protect myself and therefore keep these huge brick walls up around me. I have to begin to trust. Trust others as well as myself while still maintaining boundaries. Those walls served me well for a long time, but they are no longer working for me, and I must begin tearing them down.