NOT JUST THE ABCENCE OF THE DRINK

Getting sober six years ago I was terrified. I did not know how I would be able to live without drugs or alcohol, my armor from all that frightened me. I had no idea that there would be so much more to sobriety than just putting the substance down. I would have to relearn how to live, learn everything I was never taught, and I would have to learn how to sit with some of the most painful emotions. If I was to stay sober, more would have to change in my life than just putting down the drink and drug.

Perhaps that is why my sobriety has been more challenging lately, because there are other things I am not tending to in my life. I am not taking care of myself; my eating and sleeping have been terrible. I have also been less than honest about how I am and that’s never good. I have learned that when I am not completely honest, I start to fill with shame and that starts the feeling of wanting to drink or use. There is a saying, “You are only as sick as your secrets” and I truly believe it. When I try to hide things or am less than honest, I think more about getting drunk or high in an effort to hide the shame that I feel.

I have been hiding a lot of things lately from my family and friends and maybe even a little bit from myself. I have been avoiding dealing with my eating issues, my inability to sleep, the nightmares and flashbacks and how scared sad and depressed I feel. I worry that if I allow people to see these things, they will right away think I’m falling back to who I was before sobriety. When I am home with my kids, I always feel like I have to put on the happy face and pretend everything is okay. Sometimes the pretending is exhausting, and I want to give up. I feel like I need to run away from it all because I am so overwhelmed with the sense that I have to be okay and take care of everyone.

I need to get back to my recovery work. I have been sober six years and got to this plateau where I was just content. Now I feel out of sorts, and I believe that contentment is now being challenged. To move past it, I must start working again. Working on healing the trauma and dealing with the thoughts and feelings I have been sitting with lately. Working on my honesty, not just with others but with myself. I always think I am wonder woman and can do it all and do it all by myself. I hate asking for help, I hate showing emotion, I hate making mistakes. I have this ridiculous belief that I have to be perfect and that my worthiness is tied to perfection and productivity.

I am not the worthless person that my mother told me I was. I am worth being loved even if my own parents didn’t think so. I’m not the punching bag many thought I was. I am a human being worth being treated with respect and not simply a female body meant for someone’s pleasure. I make mistakes and that is okay because that is how I learn. I am strong and I know that because I survived physical and emotional abuse as a child, I survived being molested by a family member, I survived a brutal rape and countless other assaults, I survived a marriage with a narcissist, and I overcame addiction. I graduated high school and was salutatorian in college so I would have to believe that I am not stupid as I was told growing up. It’s time to take back my life completely and do the work to heal and finally let it go. It will be hard; often painful, but I know I can do it!!!!