A FRIGHTENING FAMILIAR FEELING

I have been working on my trauma and doing a lot of writing. This has definitely affected my sleeping habits and kicked my anxiety and eating disorder into high gear. I have opened up some deep wounds and caused myself extreme pain in the process. I knew going into this work that it was going to be hard and challenge me, but I don’t think I realized how much. I have felt such deep sadness, fear, shame, embarrassment, anger and loneliness these last few weeks. I have been unable to sleep for about a week and a half. I am absolutely exhausted both physically and emotionally. My anxiety has increased as I have opened up wounds that have kicked my fight or flight into high gear.

There is a feeling that has emerged that has frightened me, and I am struggling with it a bit. I have had a reemergence of the feeling that something is seriously wrong with me, and I shouldn’t even be here. It has been SO long since I have felt that way or entertained the thought. The intellectual part of me has told myself that it is not true, and I am just emotional due to the work I am doing. My insides; however, do not match or agree with the intellect. My heart and emotions are so heightened that I actually have allowed thoughts of hurting myself to enter my consciousness and that scares me. I worked so hard for so long to get those thoughts out of my mind and to stop acting on the impulses. This is difficult for me to understand and to deal with.

I have found myself to be on the verge of tears a lot lately. Maybe I should stop shoving them down and allow myself a good cry. The pain feels unbearable and I am constantly feeling like I’m crawling out of my skin. I feel like something has to happen, something has to change because I can’t keep feeling like this. Before I got sober, I battled for 30 years or so with self harm/cutting as a release for unbearable pain. I don’t want to go back to that!

I’m honestly frightened by how I feel right now and trying desperately to figure out how to get back to the logical me of weeks ago.