Breaking Patterns

When one grows up in utter chaos, it becomes the norm and all they know. Time goes on and anything other than chaos feels abnormal, wrong or uncomfortable. It seems then, that it would make sense, that if things are going along calmly, some sort of chaos must come into play to have life feel normal. Sometimes we unknowingly create that chaos to make ourselves feel safe even though it actually makes us feel miserable and out of control. It’s the familiar that we cling to, it’s what we know.

There comes a point; however, that that must change in order for our lives to get better. It is painfully difficult and uncomfortable to change our ways, our thinking and our behaviors. Our brains are so wired after years and years of trauma and chaos to hold onto that pain in order to feel “normal.” What if; however, we could learn to live in a season without all the chaos? Imagine what one’s day could look like. This is sitting heavily on my mind and my heart. What if I entered into each day with a goal to get through 24 hours without chaos or drama or negative thinking? Maybe then, 24 hours would turn into 48 and 48 into a week and a week into a month and so on. Isn’t that what I’ve longed for? Hasn’t that been the goal the last seven years on my healing and sobriety journey?

It seems that I have been walking through my days making these internal mental decisions without actually making behavioral changes and then wondering why it is that I still feel miserable and out of control. I must ask myself why I insist on making things so difficult and fighting what it is that I know I need to do to find the inner peace that I so desire. I have posed that question to myself repeatedly over that last two weeks or so and I have sadly yet optimistically become aware of the answer. Realizing that the driving force behind things has been that lack of validation and support I never received as a child regarding the abuse and assaults, has made me look deeper into my behaviors. I think that the lack of connection, understanding, support and love drove me to seek it anywhere that I could, but it also led me to this underlying belief that the trauma was who I was and only in displaying that would anyone ever pay attention to me.

What I am beginning to realize is that the trauma is not who I am but played a part in shaping who I would become both good and bad. So, if I understand that, then what if I choose to focus only on the good parts that it formed in me? What if that is what I show people? What if that is what I display each day in my behaviors and interactions? When I am attracted to another human being, it is usually because of their strengths. I have a place inside me for their weaknesses; an understanding and sense of compassion, if you will but the strength is what draws me in. Why, then, would I not believe that the same could hold true for me? What is it that I am showing others if I let my traumas destroy me? What possible hope could I give to another victim of abuse, assault or addiction if I let those things crumble me? Is that who I really want to be?

Wouldn’t it make for a richer life if I overcame those past traumas and allowed myself to become the person I was always meant to be? How would I feel if just one person along my journey was touched or helped by the example I set? There was a point in my life about eight years ago that no one, and I mean no one thought I was going to live much longer. I was so close to dying either on purpose or on accident and time was not on my side, yet somehow, somewhere, I pulled from within me a strength I didn’t even know I had and with the help of one special person took that first step. Fast forward and here I am! Not only alive but 7 years sober and not the same person I once was. Yes, the last year has been difficult, some of it out of my control and some of it my own doing but I survived the year and it’s time to keep doing the work.

There’s a saying, “Nothing changes if nothing changes” and it’s time for me to make the changes. I owe it to myself and my amazing children to keep moving forward and working to be the best version of myself possible. How in the world can I expect anyone to love me or connect with me if I cannot do that with myself? Today is the first 24 hours that I will not allow chaos or negative thinking and I hope 24 turns into 48!