EMOTIONAL GROWTH

I awoke this morning, early, in anticipation of my morning walk on the beach. I have been trying to do this at least every other day to start my day with a fresh mind and fresh eyes. I made a quick cup of coffee, put it in my travel mug and jumped into the car. I made my short little drive, parked my car and set out on my walk. It had rained most of yesterday, so the wooded path was a bit of a mess, but I didn’t think much of it. I was enjoying taking pictures and watching the sun make its attempt to rise from behind the clouds. Then it happened! About a quarter of the way into my journey, I slipped and fell pretty hard.

I found myself on the ground completely covered in mud from head to toe, like nothing I had ever experienced before. Had this happened before my healing journey began, I would have been beyond angry, seeing red, swearing and ready to kill someone. Had this happened the first six or so years into my healing and sobriety journey, I would have been mortified and so embarrassed and afraid of someone seeing me all covered in mud. I would have gone to any lengths to get home without anyone seeing me and I probably would have been crying.

So how did I react today? I stood up, made sure my phone was okay and kept walking! I smiled and reminded myself of my own humanness. I soaked in the beautiful views of the wooded path, the waves next to the beach and the sun peeking out from the clouds. I made my entire walk and just thought of all the things that I needed to be grateful for. As I headed back on the path to make my way to my car, I came across an elderly gentleman. As he approached, he said hello and I said hello back. I then proceeded to say, “don’t mind me, I slipped and fell in the mud!” He stated that by the looks of the front of me, he thought that perhaps a dog jumped up on me. I then turned around to show him the back of me caked in mud from top to bottom and we giggled. He asked if I was okay, and I told him I was and that it was no big deal, and I would just clean up once home. We had a very nice conversation and went our separate ways.

Once home, I had to shower, put my clothes in the wash, clean my shoes, clean my phone and glasses and then go back out and clean my leather car seat that was now caked in mud. The thought that came to my mind was, “WOW, now that is emotional growth!” I was so surprised by how I handled it and then I realized that this was one of those rare moments where I felt proud of myself. That does not happen very often, and it felt pretty good. I realized it was one of those rare moments when I embrace my inner child and tell her that it’s okay, she’s okay. Today I treated her the same why I would have treated one of my children; had this happened to them, and that felt good.

Growing up with a single parent that was extremely verbally, emotionally and physically abusive, I have never been properly parented thus the inability to know how to react or handle emotions in situations like what happened this morning. For the better part of my life, I looked to others to provide that, and it has never worked out the way I envisioned which in turn adds to my emotional distress. I’m so proud of myself for being able to parent myself in that moment and regulate my emotions and walk away still having had a wonderful experience!!! EMOTIONAL GROWTH