WHAT I MUST TELL MYSELF

Sometimes, surviving recovery seems like a very difficult feat. I have been thinking a lot however, and I am starting to really believe that it is possible. I was fortunate enough to watch my youngest grandson last evening. He is almost five and autistic. He is nonverbal as well. I wanted his parents to be able to go to a birthday dinner for the evening and just enjoy themselves, so I agreed to watch him. I made him dinner, took him to the park to play on the playground, brought him back for some Mickey Mouse, sensory toys and snacks and just gave him all of my love and attention. He was a perfect angel, and we had a wonderful time. He even cuddled me!

I stopped many times throughout the evening and thought about the amazing gift I was given with him. Seven years ago, I would not have been able to do this because I was in active addiction and an emotional basket case. None of my children trusted me back then either and I certainly do not blame them. I never imagined back then that I would find myself in a place where I could care so genuinely and lovingly for another human. The entire time spent with my little man last evening, filled me with such joy and peace and if I am honest, a sense of pride. I found myself thinking about how proud I was of myself for working hard enough the last seven years to now be able to care for a child with special needs. I can tell in his behaviors that he completely trusts me to meet his needs and that is such a huge gift.

My journey with recovery from substance abuse, eating disorders and complex trauma has, at times, felt like a journey that was going to kill me but last evening reminded me otherwise. I survived my addiction and am seven years clean and sober. I have survived my eating disorder thus far and I am working through my disordered thinking regarding food and body image. I survived unimaginable childhood abuse, rape, as well as other horrific traumas to find myself in a place to care for another. Every time I get to be with my little man, I am reminded that when I allow myself, I am not only surviving but also thriving despite the difficulties and pain. As hard as this journey of healing is, it is worth it for moments like last evening! I just have to keep reminding myself of the joys, the rewards and the treasures that come from doing the work as well as speaking to myself with kindness and compassion.

I am also realizing that succeeding at surviving is a lot easier when I reach out to others for help and support! Feeling connected to others gives me extra strength to walk this healing journey. It is very difficult to do it all alone. I have found it very difficult; for most of my life, to reach out when I really needed it and that often led me to find comfort in all the wrong places. I am proud of myself for being able to appropriately reach out lately and obtain the support I need to keep moving forward. Feeling connected and understood is so important to the human soul. I think that’s why I love to write and share my thoughts. I am always hoping to make someone feel understood and less alone!! WE SURVIVED THE ABUSE, WE WILL SURVIVE THE HEALING!