TIME TO OPEN SOME DOORS

I started closing doors at a very young age because of the abuse that I was enduring and slowly I shut myself off from the outside world because I couldn’t trust it. I stopped trying to build friendships, stopped trying new activities, sometimes I even stopped going outside of my house for weeks at a time. I closed doors to my heart as well and became a very cold and angry person. Closing and locking all these doors, I believed, was what was going to keep me safe and the only way I could ever survive what was happening to me.

Sadly, what I have come to realize is that I closed myself off from opportunities for connection, experiences and joy. The very things that I desire and long for are the things I have shut myself off from in an attempt to protect myself from further abuse or pain. I need to start slowly opening some of these doors back up and reminding myself that I am not in any of those unsafe situations, and I need to be brave and take chances. It’s not too late.

I have slowly, very slowly started. With baby steps, I have started by walking on the beach most mornings. I get out of the house, walk in nature, and interact with folks I meet along my walk. I have reached out through social media to a friend that I have had for a decade now but don’t connect with nearly enough. It’s very difficult for me to reach out to others so just connecting with her a little is a big step for me.

I am trying really hard to open my heart as well and let some of my walls down. I want to be more approachable to others and not appear cold or uncaring because that is actually the opposite of who I really am. I care deeply and want desperately to help others and give them the love and support they so deserve. I definitely feel the most alive and fulfilled when I am connecting with and helping others. It soothes my soul for sure.

With summer approaching, I believe it is the perfect time to really open some doors. I want to get out there and experience some things like horseback riding, kayaking, museums and things of that nature. I have been so haunted by my past that I have not lived in the present. I’m just now feeling ready to let my past go enough to live in the here and now. I just need to wake up each morning and be brave, reminding myself that I can do it, I can do anything. I survived all that abuse and I have been clean and sober almost seven years now, all of which was unbelievably difficult, yet I did it. Surely, I can manage some new experiences and maybe a friendship or two.