I HONESTLY DON’T KNOW

I love this quote so much. I have found myself to be frustrated lately because I want to heal and move forward. I want to leave my past and all the pain and trauma behind and I just don’t know how. I do believe that the easiest first step would simply be to not go back to behaviors that never actually made anything better. Not going back to drugs or alcohol and staying sober; adding to the seven years I already have, is a huge daily accomplishment! It is something that I now know how to do and have been successful at for seven years! I didn’t always know how to stay sober, but I learned one day at a time with help and support, and I am proud of myself for learning how to live without substances. Not going back to self-harm in any form can be another daily accomplishment for me. I have learned that self-harm can come in many, many forms ranging from cutting oneself to risky behavior such as driving carelessly. For the better part of my life, I engaged in every form of self-harm imaginable but over the last seven years I have learned how to walk through each day without such behaviors. If I am honest, there have been times over the last seven years that I fell back and engaged. I am able; on most days, to refrain and remind myself that those behaviors may allow me to feel better momentarily but whatever emotion I am running from will still be there after the self-destructive behavior.

Having experienced the level of trauma that I have, makes it impossible to imagine how to move on and let go. When you look into the distance, it is hard to imagine a life that is not tainted by or dictated by the painful things that have happened to you. How do I imagine waking in the morning and approaching the day as a rape survivor or survivor of childhood physical and sexual abuse? It’s pretty difficult to do when you feel like less of a human and are plagued with shame. What I am now trying to do is change my perspective when I look to a new day. I envision getting through the day without thinking, saying or doing anything that I once did to cope. Not going backwards! If I can walk through a day sober, without angry outbursts, putting my needs to the forefront and not speaking negatively to myself, then it is a better day and one that I can be proud of. Maybe it’s less about “what to do” and more about “what not to do”.

When you are just little; say a year old, it’s all about learning. You are a little sponge just taking it all in and learning from those caring for you. First you learn to stand and walk, then how to speak. As you grow, you learn how to think of yourself, and the outside world based on all that was said and done around you. You learn how to behave and speak, how to work and play, how to connect or not connect with others. What you can learn throughout childhood has endless possibilities. Sadly, for me, it ended at walking and talking. What I learned as a child was that expressing feelings was unacceptable, that being perfect was mandatory and that the consequence for lack of perfectionism was physical and verbal beatings. I learned that no one was safe and that I was not worth loving. I learned at eight years old how to take care of myself in terms of survival. I learned to cook, clean, do my own homework and stay small and out of sight. What I DID NOT learn was how to have friends and connect with people. What I DID NOT learn was how to regulate my emotions or soothe myself in times of distress. What I DID NOT learn was how to function in the world as an adult. EVERYTHING that I know now, I had to teach myself or figure out the hard way. I have often been described as a very resourceful person and although I know it has always been meant as a compliment, I became that way because I had no choice!

Every day that I move through, I am learning. I have only really been able to learn, grow and mature over the last seven years while in recovery, so I am light years behind everyone else my age and that can sometimes feel very defeating. I have to be gentle with myself and allow myself some grace. It was not my fault that I was raised in a violent, single parent home and it is okay that I am doing this now. It’s okay that I am just now learning so many things. One thing I can say about learning so late in life like this is that I have a much deeper appreciation for things. I don’t take anything for granted because I know how precious it all is. I will learn; one day at a time, how to move beyond my past and have a happy and peaceful life as long as I am patient with myself and give myself time and grace. I will focus on not going backwards and then build upon that. I survived the abuse; I can survive the healing and it is okay if I don’t know how in this moment!