I AM SO MUCH MORE

This quote hits home for me. There are so many horrible events that people could define me by and for the better part of my life I believe they did. For the better part of my life, I believe I was doing the same thing to myself, making it hard for others to see beyond what happened to me. I didn’t want anyone to know of the things that I had endured in life, and I didn’t offer up the information so what people saw was almost actually worse.

I did not know how to reach out to anyone and tell them what was or had happened to me and the one time I did, I was called an attention seeking liar. I learned as a small child to keep my mouth shut and as I got older realized that those primary caregivers were not only cause for 75% of it but they would deny the other 25% as ever happening. I consequently walked through life unable to verbalize any of my traumas until entering into therapy ten years ago. Because of the way my childhood abuse was handled by those around me, when I was violently raped in my twenties, I was terrified to say a word. I had no support and honestly did not think anyone would believe me or help me, so I said nothing and carried it inside of me for over 20 years. So, what did I look like to the outside world? Well, to be honest, it looked like I was crazy. I developed every unhealthy coping mechanism that one can. What people saw was an angry, withdrawn, anorexic, self-harming, alcoholic, addict. What people saw was someone who could barely function in society.

The saddest part for me is knowing that that is not who I was meant to be and not who I was at my core. I am so much more than the things that were done to me. This last year of difficulties and emotional setbacks has in many ways been the best year. It definitely did not seem that way throughout the course of the year but now I can see why it was good. It was in this last year that I was really able to start talking about and processing my traumas. I was even able to share those traumas, for the first time, with my doctor of sixteen years. When I got clean and sober seven years ago, there was so much immediate work that needed done that the traumas were kind of put on the back burner. I needed to first maintain sobriety and work the steps of AA. I needed to repair my relationships, especially with my six children. I needed to focus on a career and becoming financially independent and I had a lot of wreckage to clean up. Honestly, that took the first six years of sobriety to accomplish which is why the trauma work really only began a year ago.

What I have begun to learn over this last year is that who I really am at the core has always been there, showing up for moments here and there throughout my life but always being overshadowed by whatever behavior I was indulging in to cover the pain. I feel ready now to bring the real me to light and show others what really defines me. It isn’t the beatings that I endured as a child or the childhood sexual abuse. It is not being held against my will for hours while being violently raped. It is not any of the other unimaginable things that were done to me. What defines me, what I am, is a very loyal, caring and compassionate woman. I have such deep feelings for those I care about and the people in my life because I never want a single one of them to hurt the way I have. What I am is a mom who tries her hardest and would do literally anything for my children, especially when it comes to their health and happiness. I’m a NaNa to three little boys that I love with all my heart and have a deep, unbreakable bond with my youngest grandson who is autistic and nonverbal.

I am creative and smart and an extremely hard worker. I can do anything that I put my mind to, and I have proven that time and time again. I put my mind to becoming sober and have been for seven years now. I learned an entirely different career and became one of the best in that field because I put my mind to it. I’m actually quite funny but only those closest to me know that because I am quite the introvert, and I don’t socialize as often as I need to. I am a nature lover and will get up early to walk the beach to see the sunrise or go out late to see the sunset. I love traveling and do it as often as possible. It brings me great joy to see new places, go through airports, try new foods and soak in new experiences. I love music and feel it is one of the most magical things there is. It connects humans in a way that nothing else does. Music can motivate me, soothe me when I’m sad or express what I can’t find words for. I love books and have four big bookshelves full, with the goal of having my own library!

I am so much more than the worst thing that happened to me, and I am ready to let the world see that! I want anyone and everyone to know that it is possible to bring out that amazing person inside. It takes work, hard work to find her and encourage her and support her but with a little love and a lot of compassion, she will emerge. Don’t give up!