YOU’RE THE ONE I TRUST

I wish people understood that when someone opens up to them, it really is about trust. For the better part of my life, I trusted no one. The trauma and abuse I suffered throughout childhood and early adulthood made me shut myself off from the outside world and I honestly did not believe I could trust anyone. I learned at a very young age to keep my mouth shut, it was often times a matter of survival. Throughout childhood and early adulthood, I never discussed my abuse. All through school; all 12 years, I kept it all inside and said nothing.

I remember when I was young; in elementary school, often being asked if I was okay and I always smiled and said I was fine. I was afraid that if I was honest, it would get back to my mother and I would endure another beating. I would go through school keeping silent and eventually turning the pain inward against myself and then seeking pain relief in all the wrong places like drugs and alcohol. That pattern would continue well into adulthood, nearly destroying me until I started my sobriety and healing journey.

I first learned about trust ten years ago when I got a new therapist because I hated the one, I had at the time. I remember going in for a session and having an absolute meltdown in the office until the “boss lady” stepped in and introduced me to a new therapist to see if I would like her and be willing to work with her. There was something about her, her gentleness and genuineness that drew me in and I said yes. It was a rough go in the beginning because of the state I was in. I trusted no one, I was so severely traumatized, in a horrible marriage and in active addiction. I definitely challenged her at every turn.

What I will never understand is why she never gave up on me, despite my being rather evil on numerous occasions. I tried with all my might to push her away so that I could protect myself. I wanted to be the one in control. “I’ll hurt you before you hurt me” was the way I thought at that time. I really connected with her and liked her which terrified me because I believed she would abandon me like everyone else in my life had. She held steady and would not walk away, I knew one day that she was the one person I could trust and that’s when I started opening up as well as listening to her.

She listened to me session after session and supported me. She honored my trust by doing that and it began to change something inside of me. It gave me courage and I began to make changes in my life. She was by my side when I made strict boundaries with my mother for the first time in my life. She would be by my side when I left an abusive marriage. She would be by my side when I decided to get sober and go so far as to let me come and see her every day that first week. She would stand beside me when I finally came out to family and friends as queer and support me with my first relationship with a woman. She was beside me as I worked to repair all my relationships with my six children.

She taught me what it was to trust someone. Here we are ten years later, still working together and I am still learning about trust. That trust that I built with her and the ability to open up about EVERYTHING without judgement has been the force behind all that I now have. I am seven years clean and sober, financially independent, building great relationships and working on healing my trauma. I have learned to extend my trust beyond her. I opened up to my doctor of 16 years about the trauma and abuse and it was well received which allowed for me to believe that maybe I can trust people.

Having said that, I must also say that it hasn’t always went well for me. Sometimes we believe we have chosen someone that we can trust only to realize we were mistaken. I have made that mistake, but it is okay. I thought I had found someone that I could trust with my story and my pain but sadly it did not work out well and I no longer speak with this person. It started off well and she was holding space for me in times I really needed it but then it changed. I’m not sure if it was too much for her, if she wasn’t genuine or what the reason was but over time we spoke less and less, and I realized I had misjudged where I was placing my trust.

I guess that is going to happen sometimes and I need to not allow those times to have me shut myself off again. Some people do not realize the significance of someone sharing themselves and they do view it as complaining or bitching or drama. I just need to be a little more careful with who I allow to hear my story and also careful with my expectations. With my therapist, I have learned that just speaking my truth with the right person and not keeping secrets is what’s going to allow me to keep healing. She has also helped me; more recently, to realize that I do not need to do that with literally everyone. I do need to pick the right person, time and place and not make my story the basis of all conversations or interactions.

When someone shares with me, I definitely remind myself that I am privileged that this person trusts me enough to share. I make sure I am present, listening and holding space. I want anyone sharing with me to feel that I am honoring their trust. It’s a gift.