A NEW WAY TO LOOK AT MYSELF

I have looked at myself in a very dark way for most my life. I adopted the narrative that was provided for me at a very young age, and I held onto that. It has come to my attention and been made clear to me in these last months that I need to do away with that narrative and adopt a new one. It is hard for me to believe that I am anything other than broken and worthless, but I need to really work on that, and it starts with just telling myself something different even if I don’t completely believe it at first. I love the quote above because it is more positive while still holding on to some truth and that sits well with me.

My core is the total package, but I most certainly was damaged in shipping and handling on the journey to get here today. I like the idea of looking at all the dimensions that make me up and I feel more comfortable acknowledging the good and bad within myself. I also really like the thought of others seeing me that way. I want people to see the total package part which consists of all my best qualities such as loyal, compassionate, hardworking, funny, creative and smart but also understand the “fucked up” part that can cause unattractive behaviors on occasion.

What I have found thus far is that if I’m not a little bit open about that part of me than people draw their own conclusions because they do not understand or have facts to go on. There have been several occasions during my seven years of sobriety, where people honestly thought I was unapproachable or did not like them when in reality I was just protecting myself with my walls and once I explained why I was so guarded, I was understood, and a relationship was able to be formed.

My ultimate goal is to be able to put all the broken parts in a safekeeping box and tuck it away on a shelf, only to be brought out on occasion when I need to work on gluing those pieces back together. I don’t want those broken parts just laying around every day for everyone to see. I also don’t want to have to look at the broken pieces myself every single day. Having to see all these shattered pieces scattered all over the place makes me incredibly sad and being that sad every single day is not benefiting me. I find it very overwhelming to see all these shattered pieces all over, not quite sure how to begin making the repair.

I want to put the pieces in the box gently and carefully so as not break anymore and then on days when I am feeling strong and ready, I can bring out the box and glue one piece at a time. The ultimate goal is to be able to get it all glued back together so that the people in my life only see the tiny cracks and imperfections as opposed to the pieces laying all over the place. I do believe that some of the most beautiful things in this world have cracks and imperfections and I need to believe that I am no different.

I have a favorite coffee mug that just meant the world to me and one morning in moving about my day, I dropped it, and it broke in a few pieces. It got “fucked up” in my shipping and handling that morning. The mug did not lose its importance to me because it broke, it actually became more important to me because I didn’t want to lose it! I took great time and care in gluing the pieces back together. Although that mug was not the same; as it wasn’t strong enough to hold hot liquids, it was still beautiful and important to me. It just played a different role in my life. I need to look at myself in the same way! I may not be the same after everything that has happened to me, but I am still beautiful. I may show up a little different to life now and the world may see my cracks and imperfections, but I still have purpose and significance. We all do!