SELF SABOTAGE

Part of healing is taking a hard, honest look inside to identify thoughts and behaviors that are standing in the way of change. I know how difficult this can be because I am currently in the midst of it. I am actually redoing my fourth and fifth step in AA not because I have relapsed but because it has been six and a half years since I did those steps. There is more to being a recovering alcoholic/addict than not drinking or using. We have to change the way we think and the way we behave. I have been struggling with some alcoholic thinking and it was suggested that I redo my fourth and fifth step, that I take a fearless and moral inventory and then share it with another.

I have chosen to do it this time with a workbook that has me answer 150 very difficult questions. I am thirty questions in, and it is really bringing up some stuff for me. One of the things that has come to my attention is well explained in the above quote. I definitely believe that I have a tendency to self-sabotage, and it is now making sense to me as to why I do that. Throughout my life, I have been hurt so many times by those I thought were supposed to love and protect me as well as others. The constant pain of that happening over and over just became too much for me. I think that I eventually just began doing things to myself before anyone else could because at least then, I was the one in control.

When you think about it, that is pretty sad. I think what I have recently realized is that I am still tending to do that because even at my age, years later, I don’t want to be hurt by others and I am still trying to hold onto that control. Here’s the thing that I need to take into consideration. When I am self-sabotaging, I am also robbing myself of opportunities that could prove to be amazing. I am cutting myself short, never allowing myself the truest possible experience because I am afraid. I take away from myself something before I ever get to see where it could have led me. Is it really serving me at this point in my life to keep doing this? I need to really think about this and be honest with myself if I want to continue to move forward on this healing journey.