SILENTLY SUFFERING

I often wonder what it would feel like to be surrounded by people who care and have people to turn to for support in times of difficulty. I have mastered the art of surviving on my own as well as alone, but I do wonder how it would feel if that wasn’t the case. I watch the world around me and it both baffles me and saddens me. I see people surrounded by caring family and friends who have the privilege of sharing their joys, successes, heartaches and failures with another human and I’m envious for sure.

I have spent the better part of my life trying to determine if my lack of any support came from my building walls around me, from being not worthwhile or lovable to others, or both. I know that sometimes the walls I built in an effort to survive my abuse have made it difficult for others to get close to me, but I also feel like no one has ever really tried. Part of it could also be that as a child when I reached out for support, understanding or attention, it was denied. Over time, I guess I started to believe that that connection with others was not meant for me, and I learned to walk through life alone.

I believe this is in my consciousness right now because I am in a season of life where I am craving that connection and support and I want to know what it feels like. Maybe I am ready to lower my protective walls and let others in. Maybe I am ready to find out if I am worthwhile and lovable to another. Maybe I am tired of suffering alone. The amount of thoughts and emotions that I have to bury within myself because I have no one to share them with is astounding. That actually holds true for the good things as well. I celebrate my small victories alone as much as I suffer the pain alone.

Sadly, I have no family. No parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles or cousins. They are either no longer alive or had to be removed from my life because of abuse. It’s pretty lonely, but to allow my living relatives into my life would be absolutely detrimental to my mental health and sobriety. The only family I have is my children but there is and needs to be a definitive line as to what I share with them. I hope that people fortunate enough to have loving supportive family members understand what a gift and privilege that is. It takes a lot of hard work and effort to find pleasure and happiness in life when you have to provide the majority of that to yourself.

I am blessed to have had some amazing times with my children over the last seven years and I have made some amazing memories with them for sure but there have been countless days of suffering in silence. This last year especially has been filled with incredible amounts of grieving and I am having to do that alone. It’s not easy. I sometimes find myself to be very angry that this is where my childhood has brought me, and I struggle to regulate my emotions when I am hurting like that. I’m not giving up though and I continue to move through each day working to be the best sober me I can be and praying for that connection with others.