AN ESCAPE TO RESET

Sometimes while on the healing journey, you unintentionally go running at full speed into a brick wall. It’s not like you did this on purpose at all. You’re running because you are feeling energetic and excited about the journey, and things are going well. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere, BAM, full force into a wall that you never saw coming. It takes the breath right out of you and knocks you to the ground. You lay there, stunned and unable to get up.

That is what happened to me recently and I have to say that it was pretty awful. I was running along on my healing journey and feeling pretty hopeful and excited about it when out of nowhere, BAM! I ran full force into an emotion that I was ill equipped to handle, and it knocked me down for four days. I handled that wall in all the wrong ways. In the immediate, I was unable to get myself up, dust myself off and keep going whether that meant going over the wall or around it or through it.

What I did instead was fall back into some old self-destructive behaviors. In the immediate I binged and purged followed by three days of not eating at all. I stayed in bed for three days and spoke to no one and I felt absolutely defeated. My trauma brain resorted to these behaviors because it was familiar and comfortable as opposed to the extremely uncomfortable emotion that I was faced with. For three days I would go back and forth in my thought process between resolving to never leave my bed and getting my ass up and out of the house. Trauma brain can be much stronger than healing brain, that’s for sure.

The problem was not that I ran into the wall. The problem was that I couldn’t get back up and keep going. I’m going to run into walls along the way on this journey, it’s inevitable but I need to learn how to get back up without suffering unnecessary injuries. After four days, I forced myself to get out of bed, shower, dress, hair and makeup and pack what I would need for the day.

I set out to reset my trauma brain back to healing brain. Nature has always been a comfort to me, especially the water or the woods. I thought to myself that surrounding myself with what comforted me most was my best option for a reset. I would spend seven hours away from home, visiting two beaches and a wooded trail. I walked 11,000 steps as my watch informed me. Some of those steps were along the water, watching and listening to the waves hit against the rocks and the shore and some of those steps were achieved by hiking through the woods and along a river. I took time to rest and sat alongside the water and journaled. I listened to all my favorite music the entire time and made sure to have a drink with me. I took many beautiful photos like this one in this post and truly spent the day caring for myself.

What I realized shortly into this adventure was that it wasn’t the current me that I was taking out, but the hurt child/teenager that needed a day to be carefree and comforted and acknowledged and loved. I walked with her all day and just listened. She had quite a bit to say, to get off her chest and I just knew that she needed to be listened to. I acknowledged everything she said, held her when she cried and promised her that we were going to get through this together. I also realized that I have changed, that I am not the person I was seven or eight years ago. I need to give myself more credit for the work that I have done and stop beating myself up when I stumble.

Seven or eight years ago, it would not have just been four days in bed feeling defeated and not eating but weeks or months of self-harming behaviors that would affect the people around me. I would never have been able to identify what the wall was, nor would I have been able to talk about it with anyone and now I can do those things! I have a lot of work to do to overcome the things that have happened to be, but I am proud of myself for the work that I have done. I just really need to keep reminding myself that it is my trauma brain that speaks up loudly when something uncomfortable happens and I need to keep encouraging my healing brain to speak even louder!