TIRED OF MAKING MYSELF SMALL

Seems that I have spent my whole life making myself into whatever it was that I thought would allow me to be noticed, to be worthy, and to be lovable and I am done doing that now. I have made myself weak, helpless, sick, perfect, thin, obedient and so many more things that I didn’t need to. What I am beginning to realize now, is that I AM all the things! I am worthy, important and lovable, just for being me. All the years spent making myself small or making myself into what I thought other people wanted only hurt me more than I was already being hurt. I have realized that in sobriety, I have continued to do this, just in different ways. Out of a fear of not being forgiven or accepted or loved, I have soldiered on, making myself into someone I am not. I have continued to make myself unhappy out of this need to be what I think others want. I have found that doing this is not serving me at all. I am not being my authentic self and I am not happy.

It is time to just be me; my most authentic, vulnerable self. My fear in doing that would be that there would be people in my life who would walk away from me. Oh, but what if by just being me, I attracted people? Attracted the attention, connection, acceptance and love that I desire. Do I not owe it to myself to try? Do I not deserve to finally find happiness and peace? I realize that for a very long time, I did these things purely for survival. I had to learn at a very young age how to be a chameleon to avoid more abuse or at least lessen the severity. That served me for a long time and probably saved my life more times than I care to admit. I fear that over time it had become a habit, something I clung to out of familiarity but now it is time to stop.

I have done my best throughout my seven years of sobriety to make amends. I have apologized and I have taken accountability for the things that I did to hurt others. I have tried to live each day to the best of my ability, always trying to do the next right thing. I fail sometimes, as we all do but I try my best the next day. Instead of continuing to shrink myself for other people or portray myself the way I believe others want to see me, I need to just live each day to the best of my ability and let my actions and reactions be what it is that other people see. Allowing myself to shrink or change to fit their narrative cannot possibly show any of the growth that I have made over the last seven years.

The hardest part, I fear, will be learning to accept that my most authentic self may not be enough for some, and I will have to be okay with that. I may not get the reaction I desire from everyone, and I may have to grieve the loss of a person or two. I will need to remind myself that I am strong enough to handle it and that ultimately, I will find much more peace in the long run for having been true to myself. I can no longer shrink myself or change myself to make someone else comfortable. I need to love myself enough and want healing for myself enough to start making some really difficult changes.