AFRAID OF WHAT’S THROUGH THERE

It can be very frightening to trust that what is through there, through the darkness, on the other side is going to be something wonderful. I think it can be even more of a challenge if in the past, what was on the other side, turned out to be hurtful or damaging to the mind, body or soul. It seems that anything that brings me great joy, happiness or excitement must be “wrong” or “too good to be true.” There is no way to know, however, without taking a risk and going for it.

I have the opportunity to begin a new career path and I am struggling to know if it is right. After a 30-minute zoom meeting with the company, I felt an excitement that I haven’t felt in so long I can’t even remember. There was a sense of pure joy when I thought about what life might look like in a year or so in this career, but because of that wonderful feeling I immediately thought it must be too good to be true. I then spoke with two family members (two of my adult kids) and a dear friend in a similar professional arena and was advised to go for it. They definitely believe in me a great deal more than I believe in myself. I am speaking with a very well-respected businessman tomorrow morning as well as someone who has recently retired from the company to gain more advice.

The dilemma is trauma brain versus healing brain impairing my ability to know what the right thing is for myself. Obviously, I need to listen and work with healing brain but when trauma brain decides to shout louder, I often get distracted or discouraged. I am truly struggling with this issue. If you think about it, it is rather fascinating how the brain works. Years and years of emotional, physical, verbal and sexual abuse have literally programmed my brain to work a certain way. It has a particular way of thinking, believing and responding that is not seated in current reality. Healing brain, however, knows better but only for short little moments. I find that I have confidence in myself for about five minutes at a time and those moments are quite spread out!

The challenge is then, how to get healing brain to come to the forefront and direct me. I feel that a great deal of that challenge will come from me faking it for a while. What do I mean? Telling myself things over and over even if I do not yet believe them. Acting in ways that may be uncomfortable until I feel it. Talking with only the people I most trust and gaining their support. Trusting in what they are telling me. Often times our narrative is formed with these old tapes that play over and over in our heads, but those tapes were recorded by people who were harming us, who never had our best interest in mind. What we need to do now is allow the people we currently love and trust to record new tapes for us and it is those tapes that we need to play over and over right now!

I am working to encourage myself that if I could get sober after years of addiction, as I did seven years ago, then surely, I can take on a new career path. If I could overcome and survive the violent abuse that I endured, then surely, I can start my own business. If this endeavor allows me to help others, then I have to do it, don’t I? One step at a time, one day at a time is the way I need to approach this while making sure not to allow the old tapes to play. I can do it!