NEW YEAR’S EVE GONE WRONG

Oh, what a time it was. I was independent, raising my daughter and working at a job I really liked and was good at. I had some great friends that were also coworkers and life didn’t seem too bad despite how it was up until then. It was New Years Eve, and I was headed out to a company party, and I was so excited. My dear friend agreed to babysit for the night, I had a great dress to wear, and I couldn’t wait to have a drink and let loose. After all, I had been raising my oldest daughter alone and working full time every day. Everyone from work was going and I was pretty excited. My friend and coworker picked me up and off we went. The venue was one of the nicest places that I had ever been to, and we were served a delicious meal. The rest of the night was filled with drinking and dancing.

I can remember the music playing and everyone dancing and having so much fun. I was having a great time, but I was also definitely feeling no pain as I had had quite a bit to drink. My friend wanted to leave with a guy at the party and when she approached me to tell me, a coworker said he would take me home. I was a bit drunk but thought nothing of it, so I agreed. We stayed for a bit longer and then headed out to his car. We were about 40 minutes from where I lived, and I was only partly familiar with the area so a bit unsure of the exact route home. We headed out but about 10 minutes or so into the drive, I started to feel unsettled and soon realized we were not headed in the direction of my home. I questioned the man driving me home; the coworker that I thought I could trust, only to find out immediately what an angry man he was and that I was in danger. He told me to shut up and not worry about where we were headed. I began to feel fear build up inside of me but had no idea what I was about to endure, nor did I have any idea how to handle the impending terror and violent abuse.

He drove to a hotel and pulled into the parking lot. I realized quickly that this must have been planned because he already had a key and did not have to check in at a desk, therefore he did not have to leave me alone. I had no way to escape in that moment. I begged him to please take me home. I was pleading with him that I had to get home to my daughter but the more I spoke, the angrier he became. He threatened that if I yelled, he would kill me and then proceeded to get out of the car, walk around to open my door and pull me out with such force that I feared he would break my arm. He held my arm tightly as he escorted me to the room, whispering threats to me the entire time as a way to ensure that I did not yell or try to get away from him.

Once in the room, he ripped my clothing off and then began what would be approximately eight hours of the most horrific abuse that I would ever endure. During those hours, I would be thrown into a full-length glass mirror, I would be choked, punched, and held down so tightly that my wrists would bruise. He continued to threaten me the entire time. I can still hear him say, “You know you want this.” “You were asking for this.” “Stop crying!” The room was somewhat dark, but I could see the parking lot lights coming in through the curtains and there was a light on in the bathroom. Despite the room not being very light, I can never forget his eyes. There was so much rage in those eyes. He looked so frightening like there was not an ounce of human inside of him. The look in his eyes will be with me for the rest of my life and I will never forget what they looked like.

I lost count of how many times he raped me that night and looking back, I would have to believe he was on some kind of drugs to continue for as long as he was able to. He raped me in the bathroom, he raped me over the desk that was in the room, on the bed countless times, on the floor, up against the wall. By the end I was bleeding and in so much pain, I thought I was going to die and at one point almost wanted to so it would stop!!!! I can still remember the tears just rolling down my cheek as I lay paralyzed by his threats and the look in his eyes. There were all these thoughts and words in my head, but nothing came out of my mouth. I think part of that was shock at what was happening to me and part of it was fear because I had already seen his anger escalate when I first begged him to stop.

At one point, hours in, I lost consciousness because I remember things kind of going black and then waking up so disoriented. I vaguely recall thinking, “Is this really happening?” “Why am I feeling all this pain?” “Oh my God, why am I bleeding?” Then reality jolts me back to what is happening. After many hours of torture, he throws a sweatshirt at me and yells at me to get dressed. I do as I’m told. I crawl to the pile of my torn clothes and dress myself as best as I can, all the while wondering what is going to happen next. He once again grabs my arm so hard that I think it will break and pulls me up. As he does, he once again threatens me to do as I’m told and not say a word. I don’t. I don’t dare speak and I try not to look at him. He pulls me to the car and shoves me in. I’m in shock, I’m in pain, I’m almost out of my body at this point. He drives, asking me where I live. I don’t know what to do at first. If I tell him, he will know where I live but if I don’t how will I ever get home? All I want is to be okay. I tell him where to take me which is actually to my friend’s house who is watching my daughter. He pulls in the driveway and tells me to get out but as I open the door, he says” if you tell anyone anything, I will kill you.”

I don’t know how I managed to make it to the door, but I do, and I get in to find my friend on the couch. She wakes up a bit, but it is dark. I tell her I just need to sleep for a bit and head up to her spare room where I crawl into bed and sob like I have never cried in my life. Eventually I fall asleep, I believe from pure exhaustion and sleep for hours. Sometime the next morning, my friend comes into the room to see if I am okay, and I tell her that I am not feeling well and just need her to look after my daughter for a while longer. She agrees. Eventually I awaken, knowing that I have to get to my home, but I also know that I will have to say something because there is no hiding the bruises all over me. I head down the stairs and approach her. I can see the look on her face when she turns around and sees me. I don’t have words, I don’t know what to say, I just begin to cry. I eventually tell her briefly what happened but beg her to let it go, let me handle it, don’t say a word. She tries to get me to go to the hospital, but I refuse. All I want to do is go home and get into the shower. We argue about it for a while, and she eventually gives up and lets me go. I head home where I get into the shower and carefully scrub myself for what seems like hours. I want so bad to wash him off of me. No matter how hard I try to do just that, I feel dirty, disgusting and like I am going to vomit.

I called off work that next week claiming I was very sick, and I stay locked up in my apartment with my daughter mostly just crying. The following week, bruises slightly better and covered with makeup, I head back to work. I make it a few days, seeing him there, before I can’t take it anymore and I just quit. I couldn’t do it. The terror I felt was beyond what any human could handle.

All these years later and I can’t forgive myself for letting him get away with it. I’m so angry at myself for not going to the hospital or filing a police report. I have to live with the thought that I let a rapist get away with it and probably do it to other women. I have thought about that constantly all these years and I don’t know how to forgive myself for not being strong enough. I have lived with such guilt and shame and that has impacted how I feel about myself in ways that I didn’t even realize until recently. What happened to me has shaped how I view myself and how I believe others view me. I have to work through this and heal and share my story so I can be the person and live the life that I deserve. I have to get to a place where I believe that it wasn’t my fault and there isn’t anything wrong with me.