WHAT DO YOU SEE WHEN YOU LOOK AT ME?

When you look at me, can you see all my scars? Do you see each brutal attack etched into my heart? Do you realize that those giant brick walls erected all around me were built over many years and each one of those bricks comes with a story. It’s lonely behind those walls but equally it is terrifying to think of a life without them. Only when the walls were tall enough and strong enough, did I feel safe. I never had anyone to protect me from harm and I couldn’t do it as a little girl for myself, so I learned over much time how to build the biggest strongest walls!

When you see me get angry, do you know that the reason is so deep seeded and more than likely has nothing to do with what’s going on in the present. Whatever was said brought back a memory; a painful memory when I was vulnerable and without protection. You see, I have learned throughout my life that the only way to be safe was to keep everyone out, so I developed this armor. I want to be a part of the world, but I have learned how scary the world really is and I have endured so much that trusting in another is more difficult than I can even explain.

I see the laughter and comradery amongst the people around me and I long to be a part of it, but I am terrified. Terrified that you will hurt me. You may do so through judgement or perhaps unkind words. Maybe you will betray my trust by sharing something I told you in secret. How can I know that you will protect my heart? I know that I appear cold and unfeeling sometimes but it’s not true. I feel deeply, so deeply that it often hurts. I can’t show you that however because then I would be without my armor and that would leave me feeling open to attack.

Oh, the fear, the greatest fear. What if you walk away and leave once I let you in? I couldn’t bear that again. Everyone who has ever mattered to me has abandoned me. I came to believe that I was not someone worth loving, worth staying for and that broke my heart. Because of that I am filled with fear to let you in, to let you get to know me.